does this count as therapy? does this count as anything?

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Who DOESN'T have a New Year's post?

Oh, HELLO! Happy New Year to you from Dan!

I FINALLY got some dogs to walk! I'm WAY excited, and yesterday was my first official day walking them. I met the two puppies over the weekend (16 week old Cavalier King Charles Spaniels) named Bruckner (the red one) and Barley (the tri-color). This is NOT a picture of them, but it is SUPER close to what they actually look like.  I almost can't believe how much these two look like the other two.

So, yeah. They're so cute. So. Cute. Pictures of the actual dogs coming soon. Like, the next post soon. Oh wait! Here's one! HAHA!

I'm realizing how closely that mirrors the above picture. Too cute. I mean, I may die from all of that cute.

Okay, nevermind. I'm good. 

Umm... I hope that everyone's (all two of you, haha) New Year's Eve was lovely and that this year brings everything you need and most of the things you want.

Oh. How was mine? MINE?!?? Well, let me tell you.

My roommate (Magnolia) planned a HUGE party for NYE, and a ton of people were invited. And not just those people, but those people's people. So it was going to be... ridiculous. I mean, we do live in a one-bedroom apartment that is big for Manhattan standards, but still. It's real small.

A quick word about Maggy, who I love SO much: She is brave, smart, talented, ambitious, hard working, has an open and pure heart, and is basically one of the best people I know. She's also 22. And Dominican. And I am her only white friend. I am 8 years her senior, and her ONLY. WHITE. FRIEND.

This gives me some...novelty amongst her friends, but also basically makes me REAL not fit in sometimes. I decided to absent myself from the party and either hang out somewhere with my friend Sarah, or watch her kids for her while she went and got her party on. My other option was to just go to Times Square by myself and watch the ball drop, but to honor my dear friend Brandy's request, I am saving my TS ball-drop watching for next year, when we can both go together.

In the days leading up to the shindig at our place, Maggy actually told me to check the walls the day after the party, because there would be butt marks on the walls from people being so squished,  sweaty, and rubbing against the wall. I told her that at white people parties, we just dance with the other humans, but whatever. I mean, can you even IMAGINE being so sweaty and hot that the actual COLOR from your CLOTHING comes off on the WALL? Well, I can't even imagine WANTING to be in such a place (post-party, I have seen the evidence, and not only does it look slightly...Blair Witch Project-esque, and therefore really creepy, I have to say that I am thrilled to have missed it. Per Maggy and Pierina, it was really fun for them, which I am glad of, but not something that would have made my life better to have been a part of. All that sweating and drinking... did I mention I'm 8 years older than Magnolia? FEELING IT.).

What I did end up doing was watching Sarah's kids, Ellexis (9) and Jeremiyah (7) while she went out for a little while with some friends and then met up with her husband at the bar he works at. Where there was a dress code. Where I had absolutely no desire to be. Because hello? I mean, I don't want some place that legitimately charges 4G's a table top for NYE telling me what to WEAR after I (potentially) drop that kind of dough. But I mean, let's be real. Even if I won the lottery, that shit would never happen.

Sarah told me that the kids were allowed to stay up until midnight, and that they could let off their noisemaker/ribbon spewing party things that looked like this:

AND that they could do it in the house. 

The kids tried hard to stay up, but they lost the battle at about 11:15p. I did tell them, after watching both kids jerk themselves awake three different times, that I would wake them up right before the ball dropped so that they could ring in the new year on time. 

At 11:50p, I got Ellexis up, which was not fully successful, but worked better than waking up her brother, who basically said just said "ok" when I told him we had a little less than 10 minutes, kept his eyes closed, and didn't move from his spot on the couch. 

Not quite ready to party...

TOTALLY ready to party!

As the ball dropped in Times Square, I sat with the kids on the couch, urging Jeremiyah to wake up, and counting down with the TV. I handed Ellexis (now fully awake) her streamer-shooter/tool of Satan, and told her to ONLY point it straight up, towards the ceiling. She obliged, holding it perpendicular to the floor, pressed the button, and with a loud "POW", the top shot off of the stick-of-evil, ribbons shot out everywhere, and a lightly acrid burning matchstick scent filled the air.

So excited to be a part of this.

And can you BLAME her?

The loudness of said stupid-stick/party-maker did three things ASIDE from shoot ribbon fragments across the living room. 1. It actually startled me. Those who know me know that I love to scare and be scared, and that it hardly EVER happens that I actually get startled or scared. That shit was loud. Loud and unexpected. 2. Jeremiyah was all of a sudden COMPLETELY awake and sitting upright on the couch, looking around and blinking heavily. He then pushed the button on HIS the-bane-of-my-existence/noisemaker-and-ribbon-spewer and it was #1 all over again. This will be funnier after you read #3.
3. Zore, the kids' 3 year-old Shi-Tzu clawed his way up my body and sat on my chest, where he must have felt safe and secure, because he relaxed in such a way that he promptly emptied his bladder down the front of me. (Get it? #1? Heh. Heh. oh.)

Yes, that's right. My first moments in this new year of 2011 were spent getting peed on.

The worst part was that it was so warm, I actually noticed the smell before I noticed the feeling. It was like a two second difference, so give me a break, but still. So. Gross.

I of course acted like a total lady and calmly walked myself to the bathroom where I removed...

No. I'm totally kidding. I completely flipped my shit. I'm not proud of it, but come ON. I just got PISSED ON. And NO, I am not INTO THAT.

I tore my shirt off, rolling it up and out from my body so that in removing it, I wouldn't  wipe the urine soaked shirt across my face and add insult to injury, pointed at Zore and called him the Devil's spawn as well as a few other choice names, ran into the bathroom, turned on the hot water and just started scooping handfuls of scalding water onto my chest, only taking a break to pump about...oh, half the bottle of hand soap next to the sink into my hands and suds myself up. I kept thinking it was in my hair for some reason, and was running my fingers through my hair like wet fingers never did anything so effective. I yelled, "I canNOT believe this is my LIFE!" and as I finished the sentiment, I caught a glimpse of my face in the mirror and it made me freeze. My cheeks were all flushed and puffed out from me holding my breath, my nostrils were flared in anger, I had my mouth turned downwards in a frown and my chin was jutting out.

Hel-lo, ugly face!

I had water running down my face, down my front, through my hair, there were drops in my eyelashes and hanging from my earlobes. Hot. Mess. Alert.

I realized that I didn't want to go into the new year like this, and that even though yes, I HAD just been peed on, I could maybe just tell people it was a good luck charm in some cultures, or even better! Not tell anyone at all! I quickly tossed that idea aside, because I mean, how could I NOT share, right? Right. But I COULD change how I was reacting, so I took a deep DEEP breath (okay, maybe 3 three of them. And maybe one of them was actually a sigh.), calmly dried myself off, grabbed another shirt, and went into the living room.

Me: "Happy New Year, guys. Sorry for all the bad words."
Jeremiyah: (eyes are completely closed again.) "Okay."
Ellexis: "You got PEED ON! HAHA!"
Me: "Hey. That shit is GOOD. LUCK. Don't be jealous."
Ellexis: "Oh, I'm not."
Me: *sigh* "Yeah, me either."

After cleaning up the streamer mess, I tucked both kids into bed, sent Sarah a text telling her that Zore may or may not be tied to the railing outside waiting for her to come home, but that he would, in fact be outside, that there was a pee-soaked t-shirt in the bath tub and why, and "Happy New Year".

Her response text was, "Oh Fuck."


Merry Christmas & Happy New Year!

At 30 Rock, with the huge tree behind me. <3

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