does this count as therapy? does this count as anything?

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Taxes and Taxing


I might start to be one of those people who blog about being on WW. I am. On it, I mean. Weight Watchers. I just don't know if I can be THAT annoying, posting about shit I cook (Ha! Who am I kidding? I have two full time jobs. I don't cook...) and eat, BUT it seems to be effective. I think it's the accountability factor, which I'm way big on.

What I DON'T want to do is be a copycat.

I will find my own way.

I just ate these Little Debbie Swiss Rolls... They tasted like shit, which gives me hope. I still ate them, which brings about feelings of despair.

I walked over 5 miles today, though, so I don't feel THAT bad about them being inside of me.

I ate 81 points in one day last week. My current deepest shame. Overeaters anonymous may be in my future. 81 points is almost twice what I'm supposed to eat in one day. TWICE. Fruits and veggies count as NOTHING, and I ATE 81 POINTS. It may have been more. I don't know.

Subject change!

I am now an official NYC taxpayer (hold your applause, please) for the first time since moving here! I'm about to be 31, have lived here for almost a year, and JUST NOW I have a legit job.

Ah, the American Dream.

Working this much means I'm sweaty almost all the time. I. Hate. Sweating. So gross. I mean, it makes my pants seem to fit better, because they don't move around as much when the denim is basically spackled to my thighs and ass...but that is a small consolation. Small indeed.

Also? I am working on a WICKED blister on my toe that I accidentally tore open all the way to the good skin by catching it on the hardwoods in my house and I bled like a bitch-ass all over my new sheets. Not so pimp of me.

Sorry. I'm disgusting. I know.

I'm not really that sorry.

Um, let's see... what else?

Operation "Don't get caught up on people from the past" has become easier by the day.

Still, I do get sad sometimes. It hurts my feelings to just be cut off, even if it's totally one of the best things that has happened to me in a LONG time. Feelings that didn't matter, according to her.

I mean, I was basically invited to carry out plans to end my life with her blessing. I need friends like that like I need a hole in the head.

So fuck that. I'm living the best life for me, and glad to be here. AND, the people around me are glad about it, too! I forgot how very much I like meeting new people and making friends with them.

One thing that is awesome? I don't think I would have ever embraced these amazing people fully with my "BFF" friendship creating a...barrier? yeah, a barrier between myself and anyone else I have met, using her as a ruler, which is just ridiculous, aside from measuring what I DON'T want in a relationship with anyone from this point on.

I wish I could be a better person right now, instead of in time (which I know will come), and just say all that bougey shit about how I'll always appreciate the things that we had, and understand that people change, that I will honor what was, blah blah, but you know what? It's hard to be friends with someone who hates themselves for 5+ years and harder still to remember the good and hold that in your heart when the reason you're no longer friends is because the second they decided they were worth loving, they ALSO decided that you were not good enough to be their friend.

Blech. Blech, blech, blech.

I know there was so much I loved about her for so long, and I can't think of a single thing that makes me miss her today.

THIS makes me feel like a monster.

I know I sound like a lesbian, and though I would never have gone gay for her *shudder*, I did think she was my soul mate. BUT, I thought the same thing about a sociopath whose name starts with "F", so that shows how much I know, haha!

I see myself needing much therapy over this, but for now, I am done, and going to bed.

Anyway, on that note, I hope everyone is well. I am clearly still mixed up, and writing this has sucked.


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