Obviously I have nothing better to do than copy WS's blog survey...

Sorry. This is all I got. Oh, and a photo post, coming sooooon.

XO.

1. Name someone who made you smile today?

Jennifer Shull

2. What were you doing at 8:00 this morning?

Laying on the bottom bunk, evaluating my life. 

3. What were you doing 30 minutes ago?

Reading Christian Science Testimonies out of the CSJournal to the woman I take care of on the weekends. 

4. What did you do last night?

Moved my shit out of the devil's house. 

5. What’s your mom’s name?

Frances Elizabeth. But you can call her Chi. And Chi she is. 

6. Three words to explain why you last threw up.

Hella Caffeine Withdrawals

7. What color is your hairbrush?

Comb colored. 

8. What was the last thing you bought?

Cab ride to work. 

11. Where do you keep your money?

In my debit card for easy spending. Also, a wee tokidoki bag that makes me happy every time I look at it. 

12. What was the weather like today?

Very Oregon-style. 

13. Where did your last hug take place?

75th and Lex. Which is one block and one avenue from 76th and 3rd, lol. 

14. What are you excited about?

Moving. Never having to see Heidi again. Not hating my summer. Never having to see Heidi again. Finding my own place in NYC to live. Never having to see Heidi again. Going back to Seattle in September. Never having to see Heidi again. Getting back to myself. 

15. Ever smoked a cigarette?

Tons. 

16.Closest thing to you thats green?

All my dolla dolla billz that be livin in my pock-o, yo. 

17.Last person you spoke to?

John Kosse. He just called. 

18. Are you very random?

Sometimes. Banana. Dandelion. 

19. Do you want to get your hair cut?

I just did. 

20. Are you over the age of 25?

Hella.

21. Do you talk a lot?

Yes. 

22. Do you watch The O.C.?

I have. Because of Farran. 

23. Does your screen name have an “x” in it?

HELL NO. 

24. Do you know anyone named Kelsey?

Through Tim-Tam. 

25. Do you make up your own words?

No, and I hate it when people do. SARAH JAMA GREEN. 

26. Are you ticklish?

Not really. 

27. Are you a jealous person?

Yes. 

28. Are you hungry right now?

No. I still want to eat the Tomato Soup in the cupboard though. 

29. Name a friend whose name starts with the letter “V”.

Vaughn. Brenda Vaughn.

30. Who’s the last person to call you?

John Kosse

32. Do you chew on your straws?

I don't usually, but I JUST DID this yesterday, and I have to say, I totally get why people do that. 

33.Do you have curly hair?

No. Limp waves AT BEST. 

34.What is the next show you’re going to watch?

Ima catch the fuck up on my U.S. of Tara before I start getting any fancy ideas about any other new shows. Then maybe the Borgias. I hope it's not lame. 

35.Where did you go today?

Oh let's see... Justine's house, Shully's hotel, The Stumble Inn, Beth Israel Temple (outside, not in), a nail salon (where they fucked my shit up), Sarah's house, and work. 

37. What is something you say a lot?

Fuck. Totally. I mean... And d-d-d-d-damn. 

40. Do you have to work tomorrow?

Yes. I work every day. 

42. Who was the last person you said “I love you” to…

Ellexis and Jeremiyah.

43. What should you be doing right now?

Sleeping. 

I guess question 44 if a free one.

Ok.. and 41 is missing too.

45. Are you a heavy sleeper?

Hell yes I am. 

46. What are you listening to?

The AC in Darren's room through a baby monitor. 

47. What’s the best movie you’ve seen in the past two weeks?

Eh... I don't know. I don't really watch movies. I just tried to watch 'They Live" but fell asleep. 

48. Is there anyone you hate right now?

Yes. 

49. When was the last time you did the dishes?

This morning. 

50. Did you cry today?

Yes, actually. 

51. Do you like chinese food?

I prefer the other asian varieties. Thai, Korean, Japanese. 

52. How big is your bed?

I don't have a bed. I sleep on the bottom bunk in my friend's kids room. 

53. Is your room clean?

I don't have a room....

54. Laptop or Desktop computer?

Laptop

55. Favorite comedian?

Louis CK, Daniel Tosh

57. Does anyone like you?

Oh yes. Tens of people.

58. Whats the sexiest thing about Condoleeza Rice?

Uh. This is an uncomfortable question for me. 

59. Sleep with or without clothes on?

With. I dont have my own space yet.

60. Who sleeps with you every night?

My Mac, Steve

61. Do long distance relationships work?

Depends, I think. 

62. How many times have you been pulled over by the police?

twice. 

63. Pancakes or French Toast?

French Toast

64. Do you like coffee?

Oh yes. 

65. How do you like your eggs?

Eggy. 

66. Do you believe in astrology?

I don't know. It's cool to think about. 

67. Last person on your missed call list?

John Kosse. 

68. What was the last text message you received?

Ramon: "Oh lol"

69. McDonalds or Burger King?

Ew. But honestly, McDonalds. Shame. 

71. Last thing you ate?

Cream of Wheat

73. what are you hearing right now?

Darren talking about her past. 

74. Pick a lyric?

"from Beijing to Saigon"

75. What kind of jelly do you like on your PB & J sandwich?

Raspberry

76. Can you play pool?

Yes. 

78. Favorite ice cream?

Rocky Road

79. Do you like maps?

Sure, on my phone...

80. Tell me a random fact:

In Oregon, it's illegal to thumb wrestle while driving. 

82. Ever attend a theme party?

Yes.  Did NOT get the memo about dressing up, so hella hella didn't. Met a sweet ass chick anyway. 

83. Ever do a keg stand?

No

84. Craziest place you’ve slept after a night of drinking?

Oh gosh. I always make it to my bed, usually. I think I once spent the night on a playground...

85. What is your favorite season?

Spring and Fall

86. What is the first music video you ever saw?

The first one I remember obsessing over was Michael Jackson's "You are not alone" How embarrassing. 

90. What is your favorite place to hangout?

Bed 

93. Last time you laughed at something stupid?

Every day occurrence

94. What time did you wake up this morning?

1:30, 2, 2:30, 3:30, 4:30, 5:30, 6, 6:30. FML. 

95. Wake up next to anyone?

No

96. Best thing about winter?

The clothes and the snow

97. pink,green and black?

...as colors for a full body unitard? I'm in. 

99. What month is your birthday in?

october

100. What are you doing this weekend?

Working like a mofo. 

Still

Ho-hum, what do you know?

Well, I know that I haven't been writing ANYTHING lately. I think that part of that is because I have been sort of living in a state of panic, and that kind of drains a girl. 

I moved to NY with the intent to change my life. To not be a passenger, but to take the wheel and fucking LIVE this life. I had a plan. That plan did not work out. This is something I'm okay with, but I have had QUITE a time getting my shit together and still moving toward my end goal of going to school and getting my Master's in Social Work. 

Still. I am moving forward, toward that goal and others, and it's just been hard. 

30 Day Challenge, cont.

Day 3: Your Views On Drugs and Alcohol
Yes, yes. Once again, it's been awhile. I will do a "what I'm doing" post in a few. I have some rad pics to post and such, just be patient with me. Be patient with me for the both of us, because sometimes I get so frustrated with myself I want to flick myself in the nose.

Anyhow.

My view on drugs and alcohol are this:

Some people are wired to be able to indulge in whatever and not have any spillover effects where the rest of their lives go off track.

Some people aren't.

If you can truly get high, get drunk, be wasted and not hurt anyone including yourself, then fuck yes. Go for it. I know it's an awesome feeling. For awhile.

I may have met... 3 people like that.

I am not one of the "lucky" few that can partake and not feel like an absolute asshole the next two days to three weeks. Things affect me. Drugs and alcohol affect me deeply. They even affect how OTHER things affect me.

So I don't do them. Anymore. But please believe, there was a day that I was right there, looking in the mirror, making the decision to abandon my goal to be my best self and get wasted.

I am dyslexic from Xstacy.
I still have a pull in my gut and my mouth waters whenever I think about how it feels to smoke crystal meth.
I involuntarily chew my bottom lip when I remember my acid trips that involved animal crackers and punching someone in the crotch and almost getting the shit kicked out of me.
I can get so drunk that I lose the ability to focus on the face in front of me, and instead stare to the right of whoever I am speaking to like their head has found prime real estate not at the end of their neck, but balancing on their shoulder.

When I was 20 I tried crack and came perilously close to making the active decision to give everything else up in my life to be able to continue on that path. After 1 time. Once. I actually looked at the crack pipe in my hand, with the brass brillo pad spilling out the top with the melted crack still smoking, the numbness that is so beautiful it making me forget to speak spreading from my lips to the rest of my face in a wave that was the most gentle tsumani ever concepted, and thought, "Yeah. I can totally do this. And just... this. Absolutely."
I was in the bathroom of a retired prostitute named Kitten, sitting on the edge of her bathtub, marveling at the baby pink and mint green color scheme war that was taking place on the walls and floor. I was with a boyfriend of mine who was a total pile. As was I, actually, at the time.

Lucky for me, that shit only lasts about 5 minutes. I mean, I totally did it again. But another five minutes later, there was such a letdown. With the words "retired prostitute" echoing in my head, I decided to leave, and walked out the front door.

It's one of my favorite decisions I have ever made. It's right up there with moving to New York and repairing my friendship with Whitney.

If you are not like me, I envy you. But only a little. Because I am totally awesome.

Also of note is the way I feel about how illegal substances are procured, the shit that goes into them, and the people that are hurt along the way of obtaining certain drugs. Now I'm obviously not talking about home-grown pot, which my only beef there is the lack of motivation for anything but eating, drinking, and smoking more pot it can gift to people. I mean the stuff that is shipped here from other countries, the people, primarily young girls who are used as mules, the people who are corrupted and bought along the way. Those things I am not okay with, but realize the eventuality of. It makes me sad.

Take care,

Abs

30 Day Challenge, cont.

Day 2: Where you'd like to be in 10 years.

I would like to be in an apartment that is nice but affordable. 

I would like to have traveled across the country on a white Vespa. 

I would like to have long, full, wavy hair that is manageable.

I would like to have had more than three luxurious, lazy beach vacations and at least one Times Square NYE celebration with Brandy. 

I would like to still have Dan, and maybe one other all the time dog named Carlin. 

I would like to have finished school, excelled and also received my doctorate in social work. 

I would like to have had a boob job. 

I would like to still be the "cool" Aunt Abi. 

I would like to be a practicing social worker, preferably for the state, or working with a state-funded institution.

I would like to be able to visit Whitney's & Merman's bar.   

I would like to have a drivers license. 

I would like to still think I am beautiful. 

I would like to have apartments in both New York and either Portland or Seattle. 

I would like to wear glasses most of the time. 

I would like to be a foster mom. 

I would like to own the dog walking business with Maggy and work the weekends. 

I would like to weigh 142 pounds.  

I would like to be submitting my 2nd book to editors. 

I would like to be working on handmade items for my friend's children. 

I would like to have finished my tattoos. 

I would like to still call my mom a few times a week. 

I would like to have mastered yoga and be crazy flexible. 

I would like to have found a hobby that I LOVE and that brings joy to others, and have that be a source, no matter how small, of income for me. 

I would like to still be blogging, even if no one ever sees it. 

I would like to have traveled to Greece, Rome, and Italy by myself. 

I would like to have seen my dearest friends celebrate themselves in whatever ways they wish. 

I would like to still be able to have Jerome laugh at words I make up. 

I would like to still be the kind of girl who takes angled pictures of myself. 

I would like to have found someone I could trust with my heart again. 

I would like to have found someone I could trust with my heart again, again.

I would like to be filling this out once more and putting it on my blog. 

30 DAY CHALLENGE.

Here we go:

This is sort of a writing exercise for me, just to keep me going. I recently had the pleasure of reading Whitney's blog(and yes, I went ALL THE WAY back, and yes, I cried).  She is...one of the most incredible women I know, and I think she said something that really struck a chord in me... That her and I don't have much in common aside from how much we absolutely love each other, and both of us are better people for knowing each other. I'm paraphrasing, of course. :) 

Anyway, she's doing this, and I stole it from her. I think it's going to be really good for me. 

Day 1: Your current relationship, if single, discuss how single life is. 

Okay. Single. Well, it's me and Dan Fashion, my wee dog. Happy to be so. Cannot really imagine myself happy with anyone as a "significant other" at the moment. 

After Farran and everything that happened with us, the things that still affect me, the things that do not, the way I find myself thinking about the things I did right, and the things I did wrong, how I have to remind myself that no matter how right the things I did right were, or how wrong the wrongs, I didn't deserve what happened to me as a result of someone I loved not being able to honor me with something as simple as fidelity, if not fidelity, at least honesty, so I could protect myself. 

That I still feel like I must've done SOMETHING, because having the choice to have children taken away like that, without my knowledge or consent... the pain echoes inside of me on a daily basis. 

If I believed in Karma, as my mother does, I would believe that to have something like this happen to me would be a clear sign that I am a total piece of shit. 

I do not believe in Karma, and some days it feels like the non-belief is a defense. 

I just… I had no idea I would ever need to protect myself from someone I loved. 

I hate talking about it, it feels like I'm trying to get people to feel sorry for me, but I feel compelled to do so at times. It usually happens with people who knew us together and then separately, or vice versa. It's like I have this overwhelming need to make sure that people know how terrible he is, what he's ruined, this piece of me. 

That I will never know my own child makes me want to fully weep almost every time it crosses my mind. 

That this is a direct result of someone I loved's lack of respect for me and my body, what could have been possible in my life after him… makes me want to strike out at him. 

I have made the unfortunate decision to write about this while sitting in a school hallway, waiting for Ellexis, daughter of my oldest friend. The sounds of children all around make my throat thick, and I sit here on this bench and hope that there is no need for me to speak anytime soon, for I could not without betraying at least some of what I currently carry. 

I feel like this is something that I do to myself on purpose, so that I can feel the emotional part of this purely, so that I don't hide my feelings from myself about not being able to bring children into this world, a privilege and right of most women born as women. 

It feels like I'm punishing myself for something I cannot apologize for, as I have no idea what it could be. 

I still do it. 

I think that single life for most is like coupled life. Just the same, but with one less thing. For me, it is the same, only with the unavailable possibility for infinitely more present, like a ghost at my shoulder. Felt, but not fleshed out, and never to be so. 

Who DOESN'T have a New Year's post?

Oh, HELLO! Happy New Year to you from Dan!

I FINALLY got some dogs to walk! I'm WAY excited, and yesterday was my first official day walking them. I met the two puppies over the weekend (16 week old Cavalier King Charles Spaniels) named Bruckner (the red one) and Barley (the tri-color). This is NOT a picture of them, but it is SUPER close to what they actually look like.  I almost can't believe how much these two look like the other two.

So, yeah. They're so cute. So. Cute. Pictures of the actual dogs coming soon. Like, the next post soon. Oh wait! Here's one! HAHA!

I'm realizing how closely that mirrors the above picture. Too cute. I mean, I may die from all of that cute.

Okay, nevermind. I'm good. 

Umm... I hope that everyone's (all two of you, haha) New Year's Eve was lovely and that this year brings everything you need and most of the things you want.

Oh. How was mine? MINE?!?? Well, let me tell you.

My roommate (Magnolia) planned a HUGE party for NYE, and a ton of people were invited. And not just those people, but those people's people. So it was going to be... ridiculous. I mean, we do live in a one-bedroom apartment that is big for Manhattan standards, but still. It's real small.

A quick word about Maggy, who I love SO much: She is brave, smart, talented, ambitious, hard working, has an open and pure heart, and is basically one of the best people I know. She's also 22. And Dominican. And I am her only white friend. I am 8 years her senior, and her ONLY. WHITE. FRIEND.

This gives me some...novelty amongst her friends, but also basically makes me REAL not fit in sometimes. I decided to absent myself from the party and either hang out somewhere with my friend Sarah, or watch her kids for her while she went and got her party on. My other option was to just go to Times Square by myself and watch the ball drop, but to honor my dear friend Brandy's request, I am saving my TS ball-drop watching for next year, when we can both go together.

In the days leading up to the shindig at our place, Maggy actually told me to check the walls the day after the party, because there would be butt marks on the walls from people being so squished,  sweaty, and rubbing against the wall. I told her that at white people parties, we just dance with the other humans, but whatever. I mean, can you even IMAGINE being so sweaty and hot that the actual COLOR from your CLOTHING comes off on the WALL? Well, I can't even imagine WANTING to be in such a place (post-party, I have seen the evidence, and not only does it look slightly...Blair Witch Project-esque, and therefore really creepy, I have to say that I am thrilled to have missed it. Per Maggy and Pierina, it was really fun for them, which I am glad of, but not something that would have made my life better to have been a part of. All that sweating and drinking... did I mention I'm 8 years older than Magnolia? FEELING IT.).

What I did end up doing was watching Sarah's kids, Ellexis (9) and Jeremiyah (7) while she went out for a little while with some friends and then met up with her husband at the bar he works at. Where there was a dress code. Where I had absolutely no desire to be. Because hello? I mean, I don't want some place that legitimately charges 4G's a table top for NYE telling me what to WEAR after I (potentially) drop that kind of dough. But I mean, let's be real. Even if I won the lottery, that shit would never happen.

Sarah told me that the kids were allowed to stay up until midnight, and that they could let off their noisemaker/ribbon spewing party things that looked like this:

AND that they could do it in the house. 

The kids tried hard to stay up, but they lost the battle at about 11:15p. I did tell them, after watching both kids jerk themselves awake three different times, that I would wake them up right before the ball dropped so that they could ring in the new year on time. 

At 11:50p, I got Ellexis up, which was not fully successful, but worked better than waking up her brother, who basically said just said "ok" when I told him we had a little less than 10 minutes, kept his eyes closed, and didn't move from his spot on the couch. 

Not quite ready to party...

TOTALLY ready to party!

As the ball dropped in Times Square, I sat with the kids on the couch, urging Jeremiyah to wake up, and counting down with the TV. I handed Ellexis (now fully awake) her streamer-shooter/tool of Satan, and told her to ONLY point it straight up, towards the ceiling. She obliged, holding it perpendicular to the floor, pressed the button, and with a loud "POW", the top shot off of the stick-of-evil, ribbons shot out everywhere, and a lightly acrid burning matchstick scent filled the air.

So excited to be a part of this.

And can you BLAME her?

The loudness of said stupid-stick/party-maker did three things ASIDE from shoot ribbon fragments across the living room. 1. It actually startled me. Those who know me know that I love to scare and be scared, and that it hardly EVER happens that I actually get startled or scared. That shit was loud. Loud and unexpected. 2. Jeremiyah was all of a sudden COMPLETELY awake and sitting upright on the couch, looking around and blinking heavily. He then pushed the button on HIS the-bane-of-my-existence/noisemaker-and-ribbon-spewer and it was #1 all over again. This will be funnier after you read #3.
3. Zore, the kids' 3 year-old Shi-Tzu clawed his way up my body and sat on my chest, where he must have felt safe and secure, because he relaxed in such a way that he promptly emptied his bladder down the front of me. (Get it? #1? Heh. Heh. oh.)

Yes, that's right. My first moments in this new year of 2011 were spent getting peed on.

The worst part was that it was so warm, I actually noticed the smell before I noticed the feeling. It was like a two second difference, so give me a break, but still. So. Gross.

I of course acted like a total lady and calmly walked myself to the bathroom where I removed...

No. I'm totally kidding. I completely flipped my shit. I'm not proud of it, but come ON. I just got PISSED ON. And NO, I am not INTO THAT.

I tore my shirt off, rolling it up and out from my body so that in removing it, I wouldn't  wipe the urine soaked shirt across my face and add insult to injury, pointed at Zore and called him the Devil's spawn as well as a few other choice names, ran into the bathroom, turned on the hot water and just started scooping handfuls of scalding water onto my chest, only taking a break to pump about...oh, half the bottle of hand soap next to the sink into my hands and suds myself up. I kept thinking it was in my hair for some reason, and was running my fingers through my hair like wet fingers never did anything so effective. I yelled, "I canNOT believe this is my LIFE!" and as I finished the sentiment, I caught a glimpse of my face in the mirror and it made me freeze. My cheeks were all flushed and puffed out from me holding my breath, my nostrils were flared in anger, I had my mouth turned downwards in a frown and my chin was jutting out.

Hel-lo, ugly face!

I had water running down my face, down my front, through my hair, there were drops in my eyelashes and hanging from my earlobes. Hot. Mess. Alert.

I realized that I didn't want to go into the new year like this, and that even though yes, I HAD just been peed on, I could maybe just tell people it was a good luck charm in some cultures, or even better! Not tell anyone at all! I quickly tossed that idea aside, because I mean, how could I NOT share, right? Right. But I COULD change how I was reacting, so I took a deep DEEP breath (okay, maybe 3 three of them. And maybe one of them was actually a sigh.), calmly dried myself off, grabbed another shirt, and went into the living room.

Me: "Happy New Year, guys. Sorry for all the bad words."
Jeremiyah: (eyes are completely closed again.) "Okay."
Ellexis: "You got PEED ON! HAHA!"
Me: "Hey. That shit is GOOD. LUCK. Don't be jealous."
Ellexis: "Oh, I'm not."
Me: *sigh* "Yeah, me either."

After cleaning up the streamer mess, I tucked both kids into bed, sent Sarah a text telling her that Zore may or may not be tied to the railing outside waiting for her to come home, but that he would, in fact be outside, that there was a pee-soaked t-shirt in the bath tub and why, and "Happy New Year".

Her response text was, "Oh Fuck."

Awesome.

Merry Christmas & Happy New Year!

At 30 Rock, with the huge tree behind me. <3