does this count as therapy? does this count as anything?

Thursday, August 11, 2011


There have been some changes that have come about recently for me, and probably the hardest for me has been facing the realization that the person I have considered my soul mate and best friend among friends is no longer someone I have in my life, much less have as a compadre. 

The worst and probably hardest thing to handle is that it all started with a text I sent asking her if everything was okay, and instead of calling me, she simply texted back "I dunno, I just feel like we're in such different places in our lives right now. We have the same conversation over and over again, and we don't really relate to each other anymore."

This was news to me, and I felt (and still feel, when I think about it too much) like someone had shot a brick out of a cannon and it hit me in the solar plexus. From 3 feet away. My stomach just sinks into my thighs, like something liquifies in me and drains down my body when I remember what it was like to read those words. The cherry on the Sunday of my worst nightmare came in the form of an email addressed to me with the words, "Good luck with whatever you decide to do with yourself. Goodbye." 

These words... I just don't understand how our friendship got to this point, but I am so completely wounded, the beds of my nails are sore and my eyelashes ache. 

I don't want to hurt about this forever, and I know I probably won't, but still. 

Also? I feel like I'm mourning the loss of an actual entire human, not simply a relationship I had with said human. It's like she died. And I think it's like that because I know in my heart of hearts that I won't ever trust her enough to be her friend again, and so she actually IS dead to me. 
This is completely awful. 


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