does this count as therapy? does this count as anything?

Saturday, August 27, 2011

still attached

I know I shouldn't care.

I know she doesn't.

My best friend and I "broke up" just recently, and I miss her more than I ever missed Farran. I know that we are not going to be friends again, because even if she wanted to, the words she said to me in the end were so hurtful, I will never trust her again.

I know that this is something she doesn't think about, because it doesn't matter to her.


It matters to me. And it hurts so much.

This is on my mind right now because of some sad news from a friend, and the impending visit from Miss Irene, in the form of an angry storm. People here are either pissed that they can't get to their fave shops on 5th ave because the ENTIRE transit system has shut down in the city due to the imminent floods OR they are buying every canned good and bottle of water and putting big X's of duct tape on their windows in preparation. Building couch forts, stockpiling candles, making sure that they have fresh batteries and the like.

I've been jokingly saying, "Yeah, I'll talk to you in a few days if I don't get blown away" to people. My mom, Brandy, Jerome... I signed off on my blog like that on my last post.

My mom: "Be careful walking in the wind. A tree branch could hit you... and that could be IT. You don't want to go like that. I know I'D want more drama than that..."

It's true. I do want more drama than that. I also want to be at peace with where I'm at in the world. With the people who matter to me. I feel like this is mostly true, that I am in this place.

To that end...

Yesterday, via text, I told my former BFF (W)'s sister who just had triplets (yay, JULIA!), that I am not going to come and see her in October. That trip is something that W and I were going to do together, in November, but since we are no longer speaking, the trip is obviously not something that is going to happen for us.

Julia had actually asked me a few weeks ago to come out in Oct, because her husband will be away, and she could use the help. I told her that I would, as long as she spoke to W about it, because I didn't want it to look like I was going behind her back to friend-creep her big sister. Also, who says no to a recent mother of triplets when they ask for help? Not I. Julia assured me that she would talk to her, that it would be all good, and that she would let me know what  the best dates would be as soon as she could.

So we were texting yesterday about the coming storm, and she mentioned that she talked to W about it like I had asked her to, and that it was fine.

Of course, like staring at the wreckage of a car accident, I wanted to know what W said to Julia's update about me going to Louisiana in Oct. Julia said that W "had her feelings about it", but told her that we had planned this before her and I stopped being friends.

And... I just can't do it.

I know that W couldn't give a shit about what I'm doing with my life, (trust me, I have the email) or whether or not I get hit with a tree branch and that's IT, haha, but I mean, she has got to be really upset about it if she's going to tell her sister, a recent mother of TRIPLETS, that it bothers her to have me come and help her during a time that she'll be alone with those babies.

I feel like an ass for not going, I know Julia could use the help. AND, to make things worse, she said the nicest thing to me yesterday in a text about how she trusts me around her kids, and that my and W's relationships are totally different that mine and hers. I know she's right. Even my MOM told me to go. She said that after what was said, I don't owe W anything. I know where she's coming from. I don't feel like I owe her anything, either. Not after what she said to me.

What I do feel is that I owe MYSELF. I would feel like I was dishonoring the awesome friendship we did have, and that is something that I will treasure always. More poignantly so because I don't see it ever happening again.

So. I'm not going to Lafayette, LA in October. I'll have to come up with some other birthday plans...

In other news, I WILL be going to Louisiana for Thanksgiving with Jerome! To New. Or. Leans.  I am SO excited!

Hopefully I'll miss W by a few days and can maybe swing by long enough to hear Payten (Julia's oldest) say something ridiculously funny and kiss those babies!

I hope it doesn't take me as long to get over losing the friendship I thought I had with W as it has for my relationSHIT with Farran. I didn't like or love him half as much as her, and my heart still gets achy when I think of him...


Head down, chin to chest. Forward, march!


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